It's funny cuz it's true!

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dreams
Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said "I must check your record, please stand here and wait."
He turned and said "Your record is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause,"
I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you've done everything a good person should never do.
We can't have people like you up here your life was full of sin,
Then he read the last of my record took my hand and said "Come in."
He led me up to the big boss and said "take her in and treat her well,"
"She used to work in the mortage industry, she's done her time in hell."


Human Resources Lingo
What they really mean when they say . . .

“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.